bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
