It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
