Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
