I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
