The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
