just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
