I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
