A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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