I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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