tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
