If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
