Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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