we're chasing vodka with high fives
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
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then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
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MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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