i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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