Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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