I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
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I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
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I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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