I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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