I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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