sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
