you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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