Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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