we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
