Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
