I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
