I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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