I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize