I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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