Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
