New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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