You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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