i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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