I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Of course I have a pirate flag
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
