She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
is it fun? or sober?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
