At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
