New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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