i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
