Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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