I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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