The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
