A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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