she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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