So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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