Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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