Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
