i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
