some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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