I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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