dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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