Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
