You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
