I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Randomize
