that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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