Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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