Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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