our cab driver is having phone sex.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
