God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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