I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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