I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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